do you know what's really weird? when you attempt to find employment for months to no avail and once you receive employment, everyone decides they want you. yesterday i was offered a position at a reputable cellular service call center. am i concerned because i have no idea what i'm getting myself into? hell yeah, i'm concerned. but i think that i'm just over processing the situation; i'm overthinking it completely. i have seven weeks or so of training so to get me prepared. i am just so excited to finally be making some money. i owe my parents a lot because of my car crash last fall and other things in between. i've been attempting to fill the gaps of employment with freelance but as a small freelance artist with not much experience, finding work is very hard. not impossible: i did find some work. but still very hard. ugh. anyways. today i took a drug test for the first time in my life which was weird. i don't do drugs so i'm not concerned. it was how i was treated. like i was an addict or guilty. i know they must take a million precautions but still. it sucked. oh well. let's see. the weather has made a ridiculous turn towards humid and i do not like it at all. i like heat. humidity? that's a whole other ball game. i don't want to go outside and feel like i'm swimming through the air, thank you very much. the pool should be opened soon and i am looking forward to afternoons being spent in it, getting tan and soaking up all the vitamin d.
i wrote this yesterday (may 24) but for some reason it didn't publish. this is a new platform and i am still learning about all the tweaks and in's and outs of it all.
today seemed to go by extremely fast. first thing i knew, i was woken up to birds chirping. it's weird how during the wintertime we don't really notice their absence and by the end of summertime we hardly acknowledge their presence. but this small window of opportunity opens during the spring months, an opportunity to realize they exist again. i don't know for how long a person hears their chirps and still processes them as something new. for me, it's a few weeks. this yearning for life and beauty wakes me up every morning. it's something i don't think i take for granted enough. it's also helping that the weather is finally warming up. it is comfortable to sit on the deck out back, again, in just a t-shirt and some shorts. and although the sun brings such great attitudes and positivity and hope for the coming solstice, i love the evening. about right after the sun sets below the horizon, there is this blue; it's not like winter blue, it's not dark and foreboding. it's different. it's encompassing. the color floods over the landscape and it feels as though you've entered a room. the clouds fall down to create a ceiling, the trees cave in to create walls. the air almost sits on your shoulders and hug your arms, welcoming you into the next day. again, it's not closing in as a warning, it's closing in as a promise of tomorrow. it's reassuring. it helps me drift off into another long night, only to be awoken by the sounds of birds.
today was spent chasing light; light found in peace, light found in organization, light found in happiness, and the last light found in our backyard as the sun closed its eyes for the day. the word light is the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible. of course, we can assume the usual suspects: lamps, the sun, fairy lights, etc. but something i found out a long time ago is that light makes things clearer. wait. that was really cliche. let me expand. to create a photograph, you need to expose a certain substance, whether that is film or a wet plate or a digital sensor, to light. the image that is created is a result of that light; the light that is let in through the lens accounts for both the shadows and the highlights. as stupid as it sounds, i use that equation every day. quite literally, with photography. but also with the way i look at my current situation. i am working some freelance but i don't really have a steady income. i live at home with my parents and have crippling anxiety that prevents me from really ever leaving my house. it's something that has hindered my growth as an individual as well as my growth as an artist. if you never leave your home, what are you supposed to photograph? you could think to yourself, oh i've been there, done that. but i don't have that luxury. with these posts i am seeking to reexamine what i have known and create a new in an attempt to recreate the being that used to hustle every single hour of every single day. right now i may be only seeing things as darks and shadows. until i naturally see the light, i will force my eye to focus on it in isolation.